


The Sun Burns Bright

by ajw



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Connor Lives, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I don't know, Like so much angst, M/M, Tree Bros, but one day i will give you some fluff maybe, not sure what else i will be mentioning as of yet so i will keep updating these!, so just a heads up!, there is references to drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-12-02 00:52:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11498340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajw/pseuds/ajw
Summary: College AU where the Murphy’s never went to Evan’s high school, Evan printed off his letter in the computer lab and gave it to his therapist, and Connor lived. Evan and Jared go to the same college, but things don’t go quite as they imagined.





	1. Begin Again

Evan walked into the giant, overflowing auditorium and tried his best not to choke, faint, or worse, vomit. It wasn’t even freshman orientation yet - Evan wanted to get ahead and make sure he didn’t, well, fail, so he was taking a couple refresher classes before college well and truly began. After a year off, working at Pottery Barn and milling about in his small town, it seemed like the right thing to do. Evan was beginning to question that decision.

He tried not to think about the situation too hard and half-ran to the nearest empty seat. The more time he gave himself to make decisions, the harder it was to make one altogether.

‘Hi there,’ Evan heard from beside him. He turned, slowly, unsure. Maybe the girl was talking to someone else?

‘Uhhh, me?’ Evan squeaked.

‘Yeah, you,’ she laughed.

Evan blinked a few times. She was pretty – way too pretty to be talking to him. Her long, brown hair framed her face so well he was sure that she was in the wrong place – that she should be in the Louvre or MoMA or some museum Evan had never heard of. But it was her smile that got Evan the most. She smiled at him with such sincerity that Evan began to blush; as if she knew everything he was going to say before he’d had the chance to utter out anything more than his name.

‘Evan,’ he blurted out, immediately trying to catch the words with his hands before she had the chance to process what he’d said.

She looked at him with a mixture of humour and confusion, but Evan couldn’t complain. It definitely wasn’t the worst response he’d gotten before.

‘Hi Evan, I’m Zoe. Are you a freshman?’

‘Yeah, yeah, of course I’m a freshman. I mean, not of course because how would you know that? We don’t even know each other? Maybe I’m a senior and I’m just really behind? But I’m not – not that there would be anything wrong with that because its okay to need some more help, but I don’t need any because I’m just a freshman, but I took a year off so maybe that’s why you asked? Because technically I should be a sophomore, but I’m still a freshman,’ Evan gasped, ‘… how about you?’

She just laughed again, and Evan was mesmerised. 

‘Yeah, I’m a freshman. But my older brother is the same as you; he took a year off to do… well, who knows. He’s going here as well. But he’s not coming to any of the prep classes.’ She smiled, but it didn’t look that sincere. 

‘Oh, oh, uhh, cool. Neat.’ Evan immediately cringed at himself. Neat??? Who even says that? 

‘Neat,’ Zoe repeated, smirking once more.

There was a microphone squeak and a couple of obnoxious taps before an older looking man began to address the hundreds of students, overflowing the room.

‘Welcome everyone! There’s so many of you, and you’re only the nerds!’ He laughed, but the joke didn’t quite hit the mark. ‘I’m kidding. I’m glad you’re all here to get an early start on what will be the best four years of your life!’

The man rambled on for a while and Evan only half believed everything he said, but he couldn’t entirely concentrate. Evan was hyperaware of Zoe, sitting only inches away from him. He was sure she could hear his near hyperventilating so he decided to hold his breath instead. He wasn’t sure that it helped, because it turned into a situation where he’d just not breathe and end up taking giant gasps of air every 30 seconds. After a few rounds of that and a slightly-too-long stare from a guy in the row in front of him, Evan resorted to breathing as slowly as he could. It was beginning to make him a bit dizzy.

Thankfully the speech didn’t last long and Evan could go back to his regularly scheduled breathing. 

‘Wow,’ Zoe sighed, ‘that guy really knew how to talk.’

Evan didn’t want to tell her that he was never going to be able to actually pay attention to the man, so he just vigorously nodded instead. 

‘Well, I guess it’s time to start organising my dorm room! My roommate has already decided that we have to name, label and colour code our stuff in the fridge so that’s what I’ll be doing all day. What about you?’

They got up from their seats and began to walk towards the door as Evan answered her. ‘My-my friend Jared, uhm, he already goes here? He’s a sophomore – and we’re going to be sharing a dorm room. But, but um, he won’t be here until next week? When everyone else starts – so, it’s just – its just me.’

‘That’s cool. I think my roommate is a sophomore, too?’ Zoe replied. 

As they squeezed out the door and reached the fresh air, Evan turned to look at Zoe once more. He watched as the sun hit Zoe’s hair and highlighted the faint, blue-y purple streaks that were previously hidden under the fluorescents. Evan just blinked again, mumbling something incoherent under his breath.

As the crowd began to disperse, Zoe turned back to Evan. ‘I guess I’d better go, but it was nice meeting you! I’m sure I’ll see you again some time this week.’

‘Uh, yeah, um- sure! Will do. Will be here. Well not here, here… but-uh, like, around?’ Evan wanted to hit his head with his palm, but resorted to tugging at the bottom of his shirt, once, twice, fifteen times.

Zoe grabbed Evan’s forearm, smiling at him before turning around and walking away. 

Evan stood there, watching her go until she was no more than a head in the crowd, fading away. He didn’t try to move, because, for whatever reason, he was sure he wouldn’t know how.


	2. Vise Versa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of Evan was excited that it was Monday morning. Evan sat, perched on the edge of his bed, patiently awaiting Jared’s arrival. Someone to complain to about the amount of ramen he was already consuming would be nice – plus Evan kinda missed Jared’s rambling about the Lego: Star Wars game and the pros and cons of Heelys, though he wouldn’t admit to it.
> 
> Eventually, the lock turned and the door creaked, and Evan jumped off his bed in a sort of excited scramble, holding his arms out wide in preparation for their embrace.
> 
> ‘JAR-----ed?’ Evan squeaked out.

The first few days of Evan’s ‘ _college experience’_ were spent reorganizing his books by name and then color, going to introductory classes, and simultaneously seeking out and avoiding Zoe. They hadn’t been in anything together since the first day in the auditorium and other than the one time he saw her in the quad and stumble-ran in the opposite direction, he hadn’t seen her.

Evan was glad for prep week, if for nothing else, for the chance to learn his way around the campus a bit better. It only took him 12, no, 13 minutes to find the classroom for _REFERENCING: A GUIDE_. Luckily, he’d given himself enough time and was able to slip into the class before the professor had shown up.

As Evan sunk down into an empty seat near the back of the room, he contemplated his first few days of college. His mom was right, it was a fresh start. No one, apart from Jared, knew him. No one there to remind him of the time he couldn’t get a single word out in his Gatsby presentation, or the cast he had to wear for months because he –

 

‘Hey there!’

Evan turned towards the voice sitting next to him. ‘Zoe,’ he said, raising his eyebrows in surprise. She looked the same, apart from the slight undereye circles and tired eyes she’d gained.

‘Evan,’ she joked, raising her eyebrows in reply.

‘You’re – you’re here?’ he stuttered.

‘Well _Referencing: A Guide_ just sounded too interesting to pass up. I love a bit of Harvard Referencing,’ she smirked.

‘Yeah, love it,’ Evan half laughed before cringing. It was like his brain and his mouth were on two different planets. ‘How’s, uh, your-your roommate?’

‘She’s pretty good. She’s doing some work for the campus bookstore before classes start, so I haven’t seen her a whole lot. How about yours?’ Zoe spoke as she grabbed out her laptop. Evan admired the stickers covering the top – he assumed different bands, but he could only recognize a few.

‘My, uh, my roommate?’ He stumbled over his words.

Zoe nodded.

‘Jared’s a sophomore so he’s not starting until Monday – I think Monday? Is it Monday? Sorry, I don’t know why I am asking because you probably don’t know either. But you mentioned your brother was starting here too – but he’s a freshman, not a sophomore so it might be different. Sorry. Sorry.’ Evan looked everywhere _but_ Zoe’s eyes. He tapped his pencil on the table over and over again.

‘Yeah, my brother is starting on Monday, too,’ she sighed.

Evan watched as she ran her hand through her brown hair and tugged it ever so slightly.

‘Only three more days of freedom,’ she spoke so quietly Evan nearly missed it.

 

The professor came in before he had the chance to ask Zoe what she meant and they spent the rest of the lesson talking about - you guessed it – Harvard Referencing. Evan couldn’t understand why they had to use a different school's referencing system but he didn’t really care enough about in-text references to ask. Not that he would have dared ask anyway.

In a brief pause in the professor’s monotonous dialogue, Zoe turned to Evan.

‘I think there’s an early freshers party on Saturday night. I can forward the details to you if you want?’ She stuck her phone out in Evan’s direction, open on a new contact page.

Evan knew that he wouldn’t go to the party, but he wanted Zoe’s number. Even if he would never use it.

‘Oh, uh, yeah. That. I, uh, think I might have heard of that? But, uh yeah that would be great!’ Evan lied, quickly typing his number, only having to backspace it three times before getting it right.

He handed the phone back to Zoe, smiling in a way that he hoped was sincere and not creepy.

His phone vibrated in his pocket a few seconds later.

It was a photo of the party’s poster and a text from an unsaved number.

_Hope 2 see u there :)_

 

* * *

  

_EVAN: Can I ask you something?_

_JARED: You’ve reached Jared’s phone. Please leave a message after the beep_

_EVAN: Jareeeeeeeeed. Come on._

_JARED: think u meant to text ur therapist, hansen_

_EVAN: A girl invited me to a party._

_JARED: ok u have my attention, no need to start relaying ur wet dreams to me_

Evan rolled his eyes.

 

_EVAN: We met on the first day and I saw her again today and she asked me if I wanted to go to a freshers party??_

_JARED: cute that ur mom followed u to college_

_EVAN: It’s not my mom!_

_JARED: it’s ok hansen, heidi is a great woman_

_EVAN: Forget it._

_JARED: cool it, okay? go to the party if u want, could be fun_

_EVAN: But what if there is like a million people there and then I can’t breathe properly and I pass out and no one knows first aid cos its, like, a kegger or something and I just lie in someone else’s vomit_

_JARED: …then don’t go_

_EVAN: But she’ll be there and she invited me. It would be rude if I didn’t go, wouldn’t it?_

_JARED: i’ve many talents but unfortunately i currently can’t possess the ability to make up ur mind for u. i gave you the options. choose one, hansen_

_EVAN: I don’t think you helped me at all._

_JARED: take me baby, or leave me_

_EVAN: Is that from Rent?_

 

* * *

  

Saturday night came and went, Evan watching old episodes of Friends on his laptop, ignoring the faint thumping in the distance. He decided, with no help from Jared, that he probably (definitely) was not ready for a college party yet.

Part of Evan was excited that it was Monday morning. Evan sat, perched on the edge of his bed, patiently awaiting Jared’s arrival. Someone to complain to about the amount of ramen he was already consuming would be nice – plus Evan kinda missed Jared’s rambling about the Lego: Star Wars game and the pros and cons of Heelys, though he wouldn’t admit to it.

Eventually, the lock turned and the door creaked, and Evan jumped off his bed in a sort of excited scramble, holding his arms out wide in preparation for their embrace.

‘JAR-----ed?’ Evan squeaked out.

In the doorway where Jared should be stood a man slightly over 6 foot tall, sporting a black hoodie, long hair and an unamused look on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun duuuuuuuun! wonder who that could be lol. hope you are enjoying this so far! i have no upload schedule yet but just posting when I feel like it, sorry they're a little short! will be longer in future (hopefully)! :)


	3. Vienna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile, but then if you're so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?
> 
> \- Vienna, Billy Joel
> 
> You should listen to this song while you read the chapter.

‘Sorry! Um, uh, I think- I think you have the wrong room?’ Evan wiped his clammy hands down the sides of his jeans as he stared at the man in front of him.

He threw his bag down on the floor and tapped the plaque on the door. ‘602. That’s me,’ he sighed, the impatience showing on his face. 

Evan was intimidated; the man was leaner than Evan yet still made Evan feel so small. Maybe it was the look on his face. A mixture of not caring at all and wanting Evan to stop talking. 

‘Uh, well, I’m supposed to, uhhhh, be sharing with my friend Jared? Jared Kleinman?’ Evan looked down at his blue New Balance’s, trying to find a reasonable explanation for what was going on.

‘I’ve got a letter to prove it. Connor Murphy – 602,’ he thrust the letter in Evan’s direction as he walked to the other bed.

Evan didn’t bother to grab the letter off Connor. Instead, he half-smiled, half-grimaced at him and then ran out the open door.

 

* * *

  

‘Jared, where are you?!?!’ Evan spoke into his phone as he scurried through the dorms.

‘Oh, hey, Evan,’ Jared replied, his voice muffled.

‘Some – some _man_ just came into our dorm room, claiming to be my roommate?? And-and you’re not here?’ Evan’s voice got caught in his throat.

‘Damn,’ Jared replied, ‘is he still there? He probably thinks you’re so weird. 

‘No! I left- uh, I kinda, well, just ran out?’

There were a couple of seconds of silence, before hysterical laughter. ‘Wow. I’m sure he thinks you’re _totally_ normal.’

Evan hadn’t even considered that yet. ‘Jared! Where are you?’

‘I assumed you got the email. This year your dorm building is freshman only. Don’t ask me why, I don’t understand how they think that will _ever_ work, but it does mean that I don’t have to deal with your sad face all the time.’

‘But Zoe – she’s with a sophomore?!’

‘She must be in the other building across campus, which is weird. Maybe she paid more money. Sorry, Hansen. I’m only a building away, anyway! I’ll still be around to make sure that you’re still breathing. I promised Heidi. Scouts honor,’ he chuckled. 

Evan could almost hear him holding his hand to his chest. 

‘Can I change? Is there any other building we could be in?’ Evan asked, stressed.

‘Not unless you want to pay a heap more money. Maybe ask _Zoe_ for some?’ Jared teased.

Evan knew that he was already barely scraping by (he needed to get a job on campus soon but didn’t really want to think about that just yet). ‘‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘I don’t know, Hansen,’ Jared sighed, incredulously, ‘maybe start by introducing yourself to the dude you’ll be living with for the next year. I’ll be praying for him. 

‘Screw you, Jared,’ Evan said, with only half-sincerity.

‘Love you, too!’

 

* * *

 

 

Evan was already out of the building by the time he’d said goodbye to Jared. Instead of going back up immediately and facing his new roommate, Evan found himself walking towards a wooden bench that overlooked the quadrangle.

So many people, carrying their lives in overflowing cardboard boxes as they said the final goodbyes to their family. It was a scene that Evan recalled only a week ago with himself and his mom, only there were fewer people around, and Heidi was a little more teary-eyed. Evan wasn’t sure he’d even make it a week, but somehow he found himself sitting on that bench 7 days later, watching what felt like the rest of the world go through it too. 

So Evan might not have his mom’s Taco Tuesdays, or Jared rooming with him, or even a vague idea of what he was going to do for the next 4 years, but as Evan watched the newest round of 18-year-olds make this campus their home, Evan felt the smallest twinge of hope. Like the sun, just beginning to peak out from behind the clouds, Evan felt something new on the horizon. He just couldn’t quite figure out what.

 

* * *

 

After a while the air turned colder, the evening began to settle and the last of the families drove away in their packed up sedans. Evan knew it was time to face the music, music that sounded a lot like a 6 foot something, long haired boy-man that just happened to be lingering in his dorm room.

He wasn’t sure that Connor would still be there, but as he made his way through the corridors and towards 602, he could hear the faint sounds of Billy Joel leaking out of the doorframe.

He knocked – entirely unsure of why, as it was equally his own room, if not more so _his_ – and listened as the music turned down slightly. He took it as a sign to go in. 

‘Heeeey, buddy!’ Evan attempted a smile as he walked into his room.

He wasn’t sure how Connor managed, but in the hour or so that Evan had been gone, Connor’s side of the room had completely transformed. There were posters of bands, ranging from The Smiths and The Doors, to a small but still noticable picture of The Rocky Horror Picture show. Evan didn’t dare ask. He’d also added a giant, and what seemed to be growing, pile of books on his nightstand.

‘Uh, hey,’ Connor glanced at him briefly before going back to the books.

‘Uh, um, I just wanted to – I’m sorry about just running off before. That was so weird. I’m, uh, my name, it’s Evan, by the way,’ Evan’s words rushed together. He walked towards his side of the room, noticing its overly apparent lack of personality in comparison to Connor’s. He was going to hang something on the wall, but he didn’t want to ruin the paint.

‘It’s fine,’ Connor looked at him weirdly, ‘you don’t need to report to me about your comings and goings. Look, I’ll do my thing and you do yours and we don’t have to get in each others way. Sorry that you were stuck with me and not your friend, but I guess we’re stuck with each other now. Let’s not make it any worse than it has to be.’

Evan couldn’t tell if Connor was insulted by something or if Evan was just projecting.

‘Uh, sure,’ Evan nodded vigourously, tugging at the bottom of his t-shirt.

Connor replied with a glance. 

Figuring it was the end of the conversation, Evan laid on his bed, pretending to stare at the ceiling when he was really tracing Connor’s movements. Evan only had a few photos around the room – one of his mom and him on his graduation day and one of him and his dad at little league when he was 7. Connor, on the other hand, had none. Evan couldn’t help but wonder who this stranger was, mirroring him on the bed only a few feet away.

Vienna started playing, quietly filling the room.

_Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile, but then if you're so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?_

The irony. Evan laughed to himself under his breath. What wasn’t there to be afraid of?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! pls comment your thoughts or message me on tumblr, let me know what you think of connor's music taste and his rocky horror poster. hope you liked this!


	4. Enigma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far, Connor was an enigma. A riddle that Evan had been trying to piece together from pictures on his wall, black-painted nails, dark clothing and long strands of hair that fell on the carpet. He was 6 letters and a million different combinations that Evan felt like he could never solve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this took me a while. life got a little crazy but I also wasn't sure if anyone was even enjoying this so i kinda just let it be for a little while. but this chapter was kinda begging to be written, and I enjoyed it! I hope you like it too :)

It was day 3 of Evan sharing his room with Connor, and he was already rambling to Jared in the cafeteria about how uncomfortable he felt.

‘I don’t think he likes me. I’m not really sure what I did… maybe it was what I didn’t do? Maybe he thinks I took the good side of the room and he’s annoyed. Although, they are pretty symmetrical so I didn’t _think_ it was any different,’ Evan sighed, running his hand through his short brown hair.

 ‘Evan, by the sounds of things, he seems like a dick,’ Jared replies, before getting distracted, ‘ooh! Blueberry muffins!’ 

‘He’s not a dick!’ Evan exclaimed. ‘Well, at least I don’t _think_ he is.’

Jared seemed to be bored of the subject. Heck, even Evan was beginning to get tired of stressing about it.

‘Do you want anything?’ Jared turned to Evan and asked, as he put the last of his food onto the plastic tray.

‘I’m fine,’ Evan answered. He was too distracted.

Jared grabbed him an apple anyway and threw it at him as they sat down at a free table.

‘Thanks,’ Evan smiled.

‘So, how’s _Zoe?_ ’ Jared asked, wiggling his eyebrows as he took a bite of his sandwich.

‘Um, I don’t really know. I haven’t seen her since she asked me to that party, which, uh, I didn’t go to,’ Evan blushed, scratching his head. Jared knew how hard Evan had worked for the last year to get better, to be better, but as his therapist said, it wouldn’t happen overnight. It’d been over 365 nights and Evan still felt like the high school senior who wouldn’t order take-out over the phone.

‘I figured.’

‘Thank you?’ Evan replied, mildly insulted.

‘No, I just mean, it was a pretty step to take. I get it, if you weren’t, like, ready or whatever,’ Jared clarified, taking a sip of his chocolate milk.

Evan just nodded in reply, getting lost in thoughts of the party he missed, of the nights he spent alone, of Zoe.

‘… you should have seen it. I’m not entirely sure why my roommate says things like that, I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t really like m-‘ Jared was talking, but Evan wasn’t paying any attention.

‘Do you think I should text her?’ Evan blurted out, ‘Or would that be too forward?’

‘What?’ Jared asked, finishing off the last of his food. He looked taken aback; Evan assumed it was just because of his sudden outburst.

‘Yeah, you’re right. That’d be weird,’ Evan groaned, resting his head on his palm.

‘Sometimes I wonder if you hear yourself. Give me your phone,’ Jared sighed, shoving his hand near Evan’s face.

‘No way,’ Evan glanced up at Jared.

‘Come on, Hansen. I’ll lend you my balls for a minute-,’ Jared paused for a second, ‘that came out wrong. I just meant, I’d do the ballsy thing that you’re too afraid to do.’

‘Nope. Not happening.’

Evan’s rejection meant little to Jared, because within seconds, Evan’s phone was in Jared’s hands.

‘Jared! Come on!’ Evan reached over the table, attempting to grab the phone back. After a few seconds, Evan gave up, not wanting people to stare. Jared knew that Evan wouldn’t want to cause a scene and used that to his advantage. ‘Please don’t send anything to Zoe.’

‘Too late!’ Jared quipped, already handing the phone back to Evan.

_Hey Zoe. Let’s meet in the quad in 10?_

‘Are-are you kidding?’ Evan could already feel himself begin to sweat.

His phone buzzed and Evan could barely look. He read the message through squinted eyes.

_Sure, Evan! See you in 10._

‘Jared! What the hell!’ Evan almost raised his voice, which seemed to shock the both of them.

Evan hadn’t had the chance to prepare what to say or think of some interesting questions to ask Zoe. Instead, he felt vastly unprepared, unamused and unnerved.

‘Looks like you only have… 8 minutes left,’ Jared pretended to look at the non-existent watch on his wrist, ‘don’t want _Zoe_ to be left hanging, do you?’

 

* * *

 

Evan practically leapt out of his chair, not bothering to say goodbye to Jared before rushing out of the doors. He ran across campus looking vaguely like a lost baby giraffe. He reached the quad with barely any air in his lungs but was left with no time to catch his breath.

Zoe was already sitting at a table, her brown and indigo hair covering her face slightly as she stared down at her phone. There was a frown on her face, her eyebrows crinkling slightly.

‘Hey!’ Evan puffed.

‘Hey Evan,’ Zoe replied, her frown dissipating. 

‘Is, uh, everything okay?’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded, ‘just family stuff.’

Evan laughed nervously. ‘I get that. My mom, she’s uh, called a like 50 times this week.’

‘Same. My brother refuses to answer her calls so she just makes me relay the information to him. Anyway, what’s up?’

‘Me? Uh, nothing… nothing much. Just hanging. Hang out.’ Evan did a weird hand gesture as he spoke.

‘Me too,’ Zoe smiled.

‘I think I saw you in the PoliSci lecture yesterday, but uh, I wasn’t sure if it was you so I didn’t want to say anything.’

Classes had started the day Jared and Connor got there, as they were the last batch of freshman to arrive. Evan was managing – he almost liked the way he could just blend into the background of a lecture hall, how the lecturers wouldn’t force anyone to answer a question. He didn’t really know anyone in his classes, though he recognised a few people in the PoliSci lecture: his ominous roommate, a girl he thought was Zoe, and a guy who he accidentally tripped over on his first day. So, only three people to avoid in any of his classes – which was better than the average back in high school.

‘There’s another girl with indigo hair?’ Zoe smiled.

‘Uh, um, maybe? I don’t-’

‘Evan,’ Zoe interrupted, ‘it’s fine, I was kidding. It was me.’

‘Oh,’ Evan half-laughed. Before thinking, Evan had blurted out ‘cool. Maybe after the next lecture we-‘

Evan was interrupted by the ringing of a phone.

‘Sorry Evan, just one second. I have to get this,’ Zoe rolled her eyes, but smiled apologetically. ‘Hello?’

Evan watched Zoe’s face melt back into the grimace from earlier. Maybe the phone call was a gift from God. Evan didn’t know what had gotten into him. 

‘Mom. Calm down. I’ll – I’ll talk to him later. Just – just let me talk to him, okay? Just hold on one second.’ Zoe sighed, turning back to Evan. ‘I’m sorry, I think this is going to be kinda a long call. Can we catch up later?’

‘Oh, yeah, totally. Um, yep. Later!’ Evan smiled sheepishly.

Zoe waved at Evan as she lifted the phone back to her ear and he smiled in return.

 

* * *

 

As he slowly made his way back to the dorm room, Evan got lost in his thoughts. God. He wasn’t sure what the hell he was thinking, but he knew he wasn’t, at least not properly. Zoe was his only friend at college other than Jared and he was seconds away from ruining all of that. Even worse than the feeling of rejection was the feeling of being pitied, and Evan didn’t want to see that look on Zoe’s face. Zoe thought of Evan as a weird, kinda shy and socially awkward kid that she met during orientation. That’s all he was going to be to her – and that was okay. That was enough. He didn’t want her to start seeing him properly, as something, well, much worse.

Evan was snapped out of his thoughts, for possibly the millionth time that week, by the sounds coming from inside his dorm room. This time Connor wasn’t pumping music, he was talking on the phone. Loudly.

‘Are you- are you kidding? Fuck this.’

Evan could tell from Connor’s tone that he didn’t want to enter the room and get caught in the crossfires of that conversation. He felt bad eavesdropping, but a small part of him that was only growing bigger had been itching to find out more about his roommate. So, instead of walking inside, Evan leaned against the door and waited until he felt it was safer. 

So far, Connor was an enigma. A riddle that Evan had been trying to piece together from pictures on his wall, black-painted nails, dark clothing and long strands of hair that fell on the carpet. He was 6 letters and a million different combinations that Evan felt like he could never solve.

‘You know I can’t – I won’t talk to them. I’m sorry you were stuck having me as a brother, as a burden to carry but I can’t do it any more!’ Connor spat, ‘Fuck, I’ve told them that so many damn times and no one ever fucking listens. Do what you want, I don’t care,’ Connor shouted. 

Evan was sure that other people could hear Connor’s conversation through the walls. There was a pause – so long Evan thought that the conversation was over. He leaned over to grab the doorknob, but stopped just short as he heard the quiet mufflings of someone on the other end of the phone.

And then there was a crack. Just like a firecracker going off in 602, the sound of a phone hitting the wall echoed throughout the building. Connor’s anger rippled throughout the building like an earthquake or a tsunami – an unrelenting force of nature that couldn’t be stopped.

‘Fuck!’ Connor yelled.

Evan wanted to be mad at him, for possibly ruining the wall or for potentially alerting the RA, but for some reason all Evan could feel was a small, all too familiar pit in the bottom of his stomach.

He just felt sad.


	5. Tyrants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He made his way out of the dorms and took off, running in the direction of the sun. He ran, and ran, and ran until he could feel his lungs coming up in his chest. He ran until everything else was drowned out, until he could only hear the thumping of his heart and the echoes of his shallow breathing. Connor ran until he collapsed on the side of the pavement, into the garden bed of someone else’s local park. He was miles away from campus at this point but Connor just laid in the grass and stared at the flowers, all lined in a row, and Connor had the urge to rip them from their roots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references to drug use.
> 
> This is from Connor's POV. Song recs (with minor spoilers) at the end of the chapter.

‘Fuck!’ Connor shouted, throwing his phone against the wall. He didn’t bother to look at how many pieces it had broken into. Instead, he picked up his jacket and threw open the door – walking straight into Evan.

He looked… Connor couldn’t tell.

‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ he yelled, shoving Evan towards the wall and out of his way. Connor needed to get out. He needed to breathe.

‘I’m- I’m sorry,’ Evan mumbled, the blush running up his cheeks and towards his ears. Connor could see the fear in Evan eyes and how Evan was no different from anyone else. Afraid of Connor.

Connor just glanced at him before taking off down the corridor. He didn’t have time to feel bad for his roommate who would never have any fucking clue what Connor had to deal with on a daily basis.

He made his way out of the dorms and took off, running in the direction of the sun. He ran, and ran, and ran until he could feel his lungs coming up in his chest. He ran until everything else was drowned out, until he could only hear the thumping of his heart and the echoes of his shallow breathing. Connor ran until he collapsed on the side of the pavement, into the garden bed of someone else’s local park. He was miles away from campus at this point but Connor just laid in the grass and stared at the flowers, all lined in a row, and Connor had the urge to rip them from their roots. 

Zoe’s phone call had set him off. Not that it was unlike Connor to be set off, least of all by his family, but Connor was hoping that college would be the start of something new… something different. It was a stupid thought. As if things would ever be fucking different for Connor.

Evan probably hated Connor, too. That look on his face as he stormed out of the dorm room... He’d already fucked up his relationship with the guy he’d have to live with for the next year. Maybe he’d find a way to move in with that sophomore friend he had. Get out of Connor’s life before he’d get dragged into all the mess and confusion and _hurt._

Connor began to regret leaving in such a hurry and running for, well, he wasn’t sure how long. He didn’t have his phone. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t have a joint, or even a damn cigarette, or just a bottle of water. Connor just laid on the grass and wondered whether he would be swallowed up by the dirt, if he waited long enough.

Instead of letting that prospect flood his mind too much, he crawled towards the pavement and slowly got back up and onto his feet. He walked in the vague direction from which he came and had to ask 3 different people if he could borrow their phone before someone would say yes. It was getting dark and Connor looked like shit. 

Each number he pressed on the slightly concerned jogger’s phone was a struggle. Connor hated the fact that he had to do it, but he knew that he’d never find his way back to campus and he didn’t bring his wallet with him. There were only three numbers he’d ever memorised, and he’d be dead before he called either of his parents.

He listened to the phone ring and ring to the point where the jogger was getting impatient. Connor tried to smile friendly, but he wasn’t feeling all that friendly and honestly, couldn’t give a single fuck about the stranger, so he decided to just ignore him instead. 

‘Hello?’ he finally heard from the other end of the line.

‘Hey. It’s me. I need you to pick me up.’

 

* * *

 

The dark blue shitbox of a car pulled up to the side of the road 20 minutes later. Connor pretty much threw himself into the passenger seat, making sure to avoid eye-contact at all costs. They drove for a few minutes, only the fuzzy pop mumblings from the radio to fill the cold car.

Finally, she spoke.

‘What the hell, Connor.’

‘Shut the fuck up, Zoe,’ Connor snapped. There were many things, almost _anything,_ that Connor would prefer to be doing over sitting in car with his sister as she told him that he was a fuck-up for the millionth time.

‘So, you want me to pick you up from the side of the road and I can’t be frustrated?’

Connor noticed Zoe’s knuckles go white as she clutched the steering wheel.

‘It’s none of your damn business.’

‘I think it’s 100% my business! Do you even hear yourself? You call me to come get you from who knows where after you were doing who knows what and you expect that I won’t ask questions?’ Her voice rose again, too loud for the small car. 

‘I went on a run, Zoe. I needed to clear my head, okay? Or should I say that I met my dealer and he wanted to meet me in a kids playground fucking miles from campus? I’m sure you’d _love_ to tell Cynthia and Larry about that one in your next ‘let’s talk about Connor and how to ruin his life’ meeting?’ 

‘Fuck you, Connor,’ she yelled.

‘Fuck you too,’ he replied, but all the energy had left his voice. He sighed, staring out the window and wishing he were hundreds of miles away.

After a few minutes, Connor turned to look at Zoe. There was the slightest hint of a smile on her face.

‘What?’ he grunted.

‘What do you mean, what?’

‘That look on your face,’ he looked back out the window, not wanting to see that look any more than he had to.

‘I just – well, you called me.’

‘And?’

‘You never used to call me, or anyone, Connor. But this time, you called me. Isn’t that a good thing?’

‘I couldn’t be fucked walking, Zoe. Don’t take it personally.’

He glanced at her again a few minutes later. The smile was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs for this chapter: 
> 
> 'Tyrants' by Catfish and the Bottlemen - connor running  
> 'Notion' by Tash Sultana - laying in the grass  
> 'My Friends' by Oh Wonder - the car ride


	6. Alone Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan had gotten used to silences. To the quiet moments when Jared had driven him to school and wasn’t ready to hear more than a mumble from Evan as he got in the car. Three younger sisters would do that to a guy, Jared would always say. Or the silent dinners with his mom when she had a hard day at work but didn’t want to talk about it. Or the ghostly echoes through the phone around Christmas time, when Evan’s dad would remember to call. Evan was used to that. He was used to not knowing what to say, but he was more used to people not knowing what to say to him. 
> 
> This, however, was an uncomfortable silence, in desperate need of filling.

Evan sat in the empty dorm room and stared at the bland, off-white walls, itching for the pale blue of his bedroom back home. The cracks in the ceiling, the chipped paint on the skirting board, the soft brown carpet. The dint in his wall from when he and his mom had tried to rearrange his bedroom after Evan had a bad day, and his mom just knew his bed being on the other side of the room would make much more sense. He remembers nearly falling under the weight of the wooden frame and having to push the corner of the bed into the wall to avoid collision. He remembers his mom’s face, of shock and confusion, melting into uncontrollable laughter. He remembers home. 

Evan grabbed his phone off his side table and sent his mom a text.

_Hey! Just wanted to let you know that things are going well! I miss you lots but things have been nice. Hope you aren’t working yourself too hard!_

So he might have exaggerated a little bit. Things weren’t exactly going great but he didn’t want his mom to worry, and it really wasn’t that bad. He’d seen bad. This wasn’t bad, at least not yet.

The door creaked, waking Evan from his thoughts. Evan knew now not to look up when Connor came in, mostly because the eye contact was uncomfortable, but also because he was pretty sure that sometimes Connor didn’t want to be looked at. Which didn’t scare Evan. At all.

‘Hey,’ he heard from beside him.

Evan’s head shot over to the noise. Connor threw his bag on the bed, then sat down next to it and stared at him. Connor was staring right at him. At Evan. Who was sitting on his bed, fumbling around with the bottom of his pants. Evan, who had just frozen in position, because his roommate, Connor, who Evan was sure hated him, was not only looking at him – but _talking_ to him. 

‘Uhhh, hi?’ Evan stumbled, turning his body to face Connor.

‘What’s up?’ Connor asked, nonchalantly, picking at his chipped nail polish.

‘N-nothing.’

‘Me too,’ Connor sighed.

‘Where, uh, did you go, after, uh, you know? Or is that, like, a really inappropriate question? God, I’m sorry I-I totally shouldn’t have asked about your personal,uh,stuff, and this is why I don’t, uh, like say anything because I ask s-stupid questions that no one would ask. I’m so sorry I’m just gonna shut up now,’ Evan gasped for air. 

‘Dude,’ Connor half-laughed, ‘calm down.’

‘Sorry,’ Evan blurted out.

‘Stop that.’ 

‘S-stop what??’

‘Apologising.’ 

‘S-’ Evan cut himself off. 

‘You want to say it again, don’t you?’ Connor asked with a smirk.

‘Very much so.’  
  
The two boys laughed quietly, the noise bouncing around the quiet room.

‘I went for a run,’ Connor replied, after a few seconds of silence.

‘What?’ Evan asked, looking back up at Connor. 

‘You asked where I went. I went out for a run.’

‘O-oh,’ Evan replied. He didn’t really know what to say.

‘I know, not exactly running attire,’ Connor smirked, gesturing to his black skinny jeans and parka.

‘Yeah,’ Evan smiled, looking at the cuffs of his pants he was fiddling with once more.

They sat in silence again and Evan wondered what the other boy could possibly be thinking about.

Evan often had the same argument in his head. Half of him, and surely the more sensible half, never wanted to start a conversation. He didn’t know what to say. And more than likely, if he did, he’d say the wrong thing. But the other half of Evan desperately wanted to fill silences; at least the uncomfortable ones.

Evan had gotten used to silences. To the quiet moments when Jared had driven him to school and wasn’t ready to hear more than a mumble from Evan as he got in the car. Three younger sisters would do that to a guy, Jared would always say. Or the silent dinners with his mom when she had a hard day at work but didn’t want to talk about it. Or the ghostly echoes through the phone around Christmas time, when Evan’s dad would remember to call. Evan was used to that. He was used to not knowing what to say, but he was more used to people not knowing what to say to him.

This, however, was an uncomfortable silence, in desperate need of filling. 

‘How’s – um, how’s class going?’ Evan blurted out. 

Connor glanced at Evan, a look on his face as if to say ‘are we really talking about classes?’ He answered, nevertheless. ‘Yeah, they’re okay. Most of my classes are pretty lame.’

‘Um, uh, I think we have the same Poli Sci lecture?’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah,’ Evan blushed. Of course, Connor wouldn’t notice him. Evan wasn’t – he didn’t fill up that much space. Sometimes he was sure he took up none.

‘Sorry, uh, I just don’t pay that much attention in that class. It’s not like-’

‘Yeah,’ Evan smiled weakly, interrupting the clearly uncomfortable boy across from him.

Another silence. 

‘Do- uh, do you like football?’ Evan asked, and immediately regretted. He was trying to think of something to talk about, something the boy across from him might like. Though, looking at him, it didn’t seem likely. Still, Evan didn’t want to make assumptions. 

‘No,’ Connor replied, stone cold.

‘Oh, good. Me neither.’ 

Connor surprised Evan by laughing. Loudly. 

‘W-what?’ Evan looked at Connor, self-consciously. He wasn’t sure what he’d said. 

‘I’m just laughing because I’ve never been asked that. Ever. In my life. I played baseball for a little while when I was kid. Just little league stuff, but never football. My god, that would be my dad’s wet dream.’ 

‘Uh,’ Evan stumbled.

‘I can’t believe I just said my dad and wet dream in the same sentence,’ Connor fake-shuddered, before letting out a laugh.

‘Yeah,’ Evan laughed quietly, glancing back down at his pants before asking ‘what’s, uh, he like?’ 

‘My dad?’ The humor had dropped from Connor’s voice.

‘Yeah, uh, yeah.’ 

Connor’s silence made Evan look up. The laughing, smiling Connor from only a few minutes ago had retreated. Sitting across from Evan was the boy he’d been living with since the day they met. 

‘Larry is a fucking dick.’

‘Oh, um, I-, my-’ Evan started.

‘Look, I don’t need pity, especially from some stranger who doesn’t know fucking anything about me or my life,’ Connor raised his voice, standing up from the bed.

‘I’m- I’m sorry,’ Evan cowered into himself. He didn’t know what he’d said, but it must have been something because Connor just looked so mad. 

‘Jesus fucking Christ, do you ever stop apologizing? Man the fuck up or get over it.' 

Evan stuttered, stumbling over his words. There weren’t any words for this silence. Evan couldn’t find them. Instead, all that came out were letters and mumbles and it wasn’t until Connor slammed the door as he left, that Evan could stop himself.

He swallowed, feeling his chest rising and falling even faster than his heart rate. What a surprise. Evan ruined things. Again. He said something stupid and made a mess and he couldn’t escape his stupid, running mouth.

Evan turned off the light crawled into bed, fully dressed. He begged for sleep, for quiet, for his brain to just stop for a moment. He lay for hours before he felt the slowing of his breath and the quiet take over. It wasn’t until he was near sleeping that he felt the door creak open, and the tall, dark shadow return. He thought it was Connor, though he couldn’t be sure; the feeling felt all too familiar. Like the cold nights of high school, when Evan wondered if he could ever say anything right. That he could ever be a part of anything. That he would ever _be_ anything. The dark shadow of doubt had clouded Evan’s nights for so long that it almost comforted him. At least, now, a small part of him felt at home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter:  
> Alone Again - Faye Webster
> 
>  
> 
> So, I guess it's been a while, hasn't it? This chapter had me stumped for a while. I struggled for a while to get Connor and Evan to seem real to me, and for their conversation to be natural, but also deeply uncomfortable for the both of them. Ultimately, I have just decided to post it now because the longer I mull over it, the more I will lose my mind.  
> Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think, I'd love to hear!
> 
> Also, Jared totally has three younger sisters who annoy the shit of him but he loves endlessly. I will fight you on this.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea kinda came out of nowhere. I really have no idea where this will go as I have planned none of it, but I promise it will (might?) eventually get good. This will probably (definitely) be a Tree Bros fic. 
> 
> I have a tumblr! Feel free to say hi! It's http://deh-d.tumblr.com


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